An attachment to the story has flowed through me and I feel as if an old sponge has been soaking up its dregs and what is out of my control. Feeling its heaviness in my body I realise it is time to find a new way. I am not to blame. I am not responsible yet I feel the need to make it so. About me is it? Am I so important as to think it could be? But I recognise what I want, what I long for and what I need from the other.
If that is fulfilled for me, will the other be happy? My needs, fulfilling my needs – can I recognise this and let the other go?
Beginning that journey I feel hope even pleasure, letting go of that heavy sponge, I am lighter and relief replaces the story of needing to fix what is not mine. The road ahead is more open and I can feel clearer about the journey.
I may whisper to the one, ‘I trust you to make your own decisions, I trust you to do what is right for you’ and then somewhere I see the recognition in me, and seeing what they really need to hear. I begin to see their own light shine!
But for me there is also a darkness as old habits die-hard and want to pull and grab me aside telling me I am powerful enough to break through their own mind of dysfunction, that I can make such a difference, but years of holding space for others; so many others, I know it cannot be done and that I am here to empower myself not the other, yet in my own empowerment I can simply inspire.
But the darkened tunnel does not stop there, I must explore this journey into ‘self’ and wonder why it affects me so. For to be truly effective I must begin here in my own heart, how else can I truly stand beside another on their journey without projections from my own story.
The journey opens up and I begin to take stock of that caretaker, my memory is brought into the picture. The young girl who took in so many animals, her own doing and collecting. The teenager with two small babies, so soon with so much responsibility, the blind boyfriend and the poverty that ensued, how could I not learn to try to control?
Yet I know in my mind and in my heart it is a story no more, I step into the dance and look for the visions to guide me and the heavy coat of responsibility falls from my shoulders onto the ground. I step forward thanking it for all it has taught me, for the way it has protected me and gently supported me with its weighted texture that has warmed the worn out shoulders and let me know that for a while it was necessary to carry that burden. As it dropped around my feet I knew it would make wonderful compost for the earth and I feel lighter, my spine is straighter.
Yes I am tested, over and over again – ‘do I really want this?’ Does it feel like I am abandoning all and selfishly thinking only of myself now? Must I be even more alone, for it is a lonely place, if there is nothing to be responsible for. Being responsible only for myself – what a strange thing! But maybe an animal or two and the space I live in? How curious a time I will have.
So I imagine stepping out into the world without looking back. No food cupboards to fill, no washing basket to empty, no child minder to put in place – just an open road. It is exciting and it is scary!
I feel the criticism and judgements of others – oh she just thinks of herself, how mean! Yet the wisdom that permeates through the skin knows all and sees all and knows it is just a story and not the truth. It will win over any negative assumptions that could be made.
Is there fear of what others may think, maybe of those close enough to need that co-dependant love, but for sure if I cannot allow them to turn it around and make it ‘self-love’ what good could I possibly be to them. What message of inter dependency do I give, as all manner of co-dependency drops away and I let go of the need to control what others might think. Do I really care what others might be thinking? Is it any of my business what goes on in their minds, or is that not simply their own projection?
And still I create the life of my own choosing and still it affects others as they bathe in the essence of what is created.
‘Do what you love’ I hear those words, ‘make what you will of your life, step up and out and fulfil your own dreams – do not drag that heavy coat, it is old and worn now and any holding onto it will create a stickiness that will tear at the flesh and hurt the muscles. The joints will wear out and the spine will curl itself over. Step away from that coat, leave it there on the ground, so as not to wrap your roots around it too tightly and get caught in its snare just in case it longs yet again for a body to hang itself on.
Thank it, leave it, step to the light, be aware of the journey without remorse or regret. For sure the old story has your roots, it is where you have come from, but they remain with the ground and the rotting compost of the old coat, never to be worn again.