Wounded Innocence

What happens to a child that has been abused, neglected or traumatised, who later in life is trying to deal with that story, remembering that what ever happened and not just what happened in those moments but also what happened around the abuse, the words spoken, the relationships to others, the stories hidden? Whether it is sexual abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, they all have their stories.

Chances are that in those moments the child learned to dissociate, to lose presence and dissapear. The child became ungrounded and uncentered, which might have appeared as extreme shyness, overtly confident even bullish, self centered, with an inability to speak out, a need to steal, to hide, to shut oneself away, the need to self-harm.

The child or young adult loses confidence and there is a problem with self esteem as they grow.

Shame and guilt ensue

and the spiral into

those deep pits of darkness

where the pain is felt

with no way out,

no way to claw

ourselves back

to the rim of light,

we sink deeper

where no hunger

will ever bring us out.

Lost to a story

that no one can hear,

because we dare not tell it,

for fear,

for fear of what?

In order to reclaim connection to the body and overcome the dissociation, body contact is needed. This is a physical necessity for any human, touch, verbal communication, body connection a simple hug. But who can the child trust? Certainly not the adult world for it is usually the adult world that has been the perpetrator of the abuse, or has not protected the child in the first place.

What does the child reach out to?

Something other than adult, even human. Possibly the child looks to what is innocent that he can trust, what he sees as that part of himself that is lost.

This might be other children, it might be animal and often is, the need to cuddle a kitten, or a soft toy.

The child can begin to feel again, be close to something finding that it supports that reconnection to life, to warmth to body comfort. This can help for awhile, but is not the ultimate need fulfilled. There will be a longing for more.

And then what if the child is teased for always needing something to be attached to. If she is denied those objects?

So she lets it go, hides the need away, makes it into something else that is not so obvious. Food, alcohol, sex, drugs, smoking? And sometimes possessions that are more common to others. We become materialistic, hunting for the next fix, something to buy, to own, to fill a hole we cannot fill any other way.

Over time the inner-child accumulates. Purchasing ‘things’ that are tangiable, material, the objects not really needed, yet one feels a sense of belonging to something and something that can be trusted, not taken away, not ridiculed, not harmful.

She then feels alive again, the shock diminishes for awhile, she feels reconnected, she can feel her skin, her body and feel safe.

When shock arises, because it will re-emerge if the story is not remembered, understood and fully digested, then a hug from another may not feel ok, it has its demands and its conditions, ‘what will I need to give back he might ask.’ Does this come without conditions?

The child mind is unsure and fear follows and the need to understand, the need to heal, so the cycle continues, reaching out for inanimate object or something that makes him feel alive again.

The dissociation might still linger, but she can bring herself back through touch, the touch of her child’s hand, or her grandchild’s cuddles. But she cannot ‘use’ this for her own healing, it would not be right for the innocent one to be used in this way. So she reaches out for a new cushion, a new dress, an item for the kitchen, something that feeds the need to have and to hold.

What she must learn is a new way to trust, to not depend on something that she can do further harm with, or by purchasing. She can fill her home and gather possessions, and our earth can be further used as a resource for what we do not really need and the cycle turns as more and more plastic and waste is thrown into our oceans from the need to heal the child.

We are all shocked and wounded in some way, and we all have different ways of trying to stay embodied and be able to feel whole and alive.

How we find our way to do and be that depends on our own particular personality. It also depends on the wounding of our innocence.

This Middle Earth Medicine work is all about the reclaiming of our innocence, not to be that child again, but to embody the purity of spirit and not have to carry around with us the pain, humiliation and distrust that has wounded us in the first place.

And so as we step further towards our sovereignty, we begin to stop telling the story of victim-hood, the ‘poor me’ stories and we learn to find out who we were born to be, without the unnecessary baggage. It is a long journey that con not be overcome over night, it takes careful unwrapping and gentle coming to terms with the horror that may have been such a strong part of our growing up. Trying to understand it might make us fall back, for some it is totally not understandable as why we would have been treated in that way. But we are here to overcome, to heal, to make a difference in our lives and to know that the stories we hold of recovery, will inevitably be of service to others, once we have digested them ourselves and come to a healthier place with them.

What ever we experienced, we can be sure does not go without its deeper connection to ours and others healing path.

We cannot support others with our stories until we know our own and can be accepting of them. We cannot journey on the path with another, holding their hand or wanting their growth, if we are not able to share something with them that helps to bring them back, even if it is simply by sharing what it was that helped us. A shared experience is worth much more than a hundred hours in a therapists chair and I share that from my own experience.

The challenge to overcome and grow into sovereignty despite this, makes us stronger and more resilient in the end. It means we then have a tool bag of offerings for others in similar circumstances.

Our journey around the middle earth medicine wheel, supports us to find this healing, to enable reconnection to what came before the abuse, the neglect or the dysfunctions, to release ourselves from creating more harm, to ourselves and others, to drop the dysfunctional behaviour and the over-protective and hyper-vigilant aspects of ourselves, to know it was not our fault that we were brought up in some of the ways that we were and that we played no part in it as children. To then grow from our life story to start to reclaim back our creative and beautiful self, to honor it, to allow its dream to unfold and begin to create from it, until it supports us to stand fully in service to the good of all.

Then we become sovereign, then we find our wisdom and then we find the joy that means we are alive and its good to be entering the adult world free of our guilt and shame.

A Soul Free of Shame

Shame came to me as a beautiful woman,

No longer banished to an ugly tower,

She came to me as a beautiful woman

Free of the shackles and chains that would bind her,

Shame came to me as a beautiful woman

Full of her own creative wisdom,

Free to dance and sing with her own voice.

Shame came to me as a beautiful woman,

No longer cast out as a memory of dysfunction

My spirit of shame, becomes that beautiful woman.

And this is where we find the dance so supportive towards our growth. We begin to reconnect to body, our own body. We become creative with the body and we learn to allow our emotions move more freely.

Only we can dance this dance, for it is our dance to do and our healing to make matter. We become more embodied, more centered and if we so wish we begin to find that connection once more to God to Spirit, it is where the soul can reach us once again because we become free of the shackles, the limitations and the beliefs that we are not whole. But for sure, this is not an easy ride, not like it might be for others, not like how you witness those who had less abuse in their history.

In the pain of my own body I feel your eyes

Encouraging me to open more and share those dark secrets from


Searching for the unlimited stories that have lurked in the corners

Time forgotten on all sides

Ready to emerge to envelop me with shadows of dances not yet danced

And my feet move down into the ground

Spreading my roots into the earth

Saying hold me connect me support me

Here I go once more releasing the unnecessary burdens seeking fire to burn and rid me of the past and its melancholy

Surrendering to the fluidity of mighty rivers to wash away the pressure of having to live my life

To give it up is a timely and appropriate feeling

To live no more in dread of what may or may not come

My hurt, not yours, watch me yes

But do not rob me of my own power to heal myself

It is mine and given freely for me to use as I desire

Do not make yourself the rescuer do not make your self the healer

For that is you’re healing to let go of

This dance is my doing and mine alone

Simply see me and hold me in your gaze, see the darkness of me as well as my beauty

For here it unfolds onto the picture called ‘my life’

The painting rich of many colours and textures

I am maiden, mother, warrior and crone, the wise woman in each

I am all these things and will be all for you

Whenever you need the dance, the eyes of connection

The witness of our truth, I see you

“Yes I do see you, you girl, or boy who had to leave trauma behind. And I know the part of you that has been stunted in your growth towards life and living. I know the part of you who feels broken inside, that finds it so hard, at times, to let your inner light shine.

That creative life force stamped out of you, even though others say that you are talented beyond measure. You see, they simply do not know!

I know what you go through every single day, that crevice, hidden in the darkest cave; we dare not let it out. Where did that abuse come from? Sometimes we do not even know. Because at times it was so normalized and made so ordinary.”

from the book ‘Middle Earth Wisdom’ by Caroline Carey   https://middleearthmedicine.com/middle-earth-wisdom-book-cards/


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The Phoenix from the ashes, the rebirth of our Sovereignty

When I witness a Mandorla constellation and hold the space for this process, I am bringing together quite a few decades of being fascinated with soul-retrieval. As I watch the process unfolding in front of me, it sometimes takes my breath away, quite literally, to see how powerful the actual process is.

What is soul-retrieval?Prayer

Well we often talk about being soulless, sensing a loss of soul or even being depressed, feeling like something is missing in our lives, at a loss for who we really are and many other small but potent sayings. To me this all has a note of soul loss and if we were to give it enough attention, we might start to find that there truly is something missing from our life.

So how can we go about recalling that vital part of us back into place?

If we have a group to support us and really want for our greatest potential, without fearing us, or the process, then we can begin to see those parts of us that are holding some of the dysfunction or the conflict, or the separation that is being held in the body, preventing us from being fully present.

If we have some one there who is willing to accompany us on that journey, who totally trusts the process, because she/he has been there many times on their own journey beforehand, then we can feel that courage and heart opened willingness, to brave the under currents, to not fear the turmoil or the deep grief from the inner realms, and we can know that  the soul  part is ready to find its way back, through the opening of that heart, the clarity of what is needed and the realm of the mundane, to accept it back as an integral part of this life.

It’s a mysterious experience, one that is hard to put ones finger on, so we have to use creativity and movement, to ensure that we are able to put the analytical mind out of the way for  that period, so that we do not try to ‘think’ our way into healing. The healing must happen by us getting out of our own way and allowing the medicine to flow through us.

If not much else has fully helped to open us to the power of our own polarities, or that we still feel that our life is missing some vital element, or that at times we do still feel depressed or disillusioned with life, then it may just be that it is soul retrieval we are looking for. And if we can find a way to ‘be and do it ourselves’ then I can pretty much guarantee it will be much more powerful than some one else doing it for us. It is our work to do!

Standing in that central life force, the light of the Mandorla, we are seen, we are heard, we are re-born! For it is truly the central place of our soul work, the phoenix from the ashes, the rebirth of our Sovereignty.

Are you willing to enter that holy and life changing realm?

Individual sessions are available with Caroline, small group work or intensive gatherings.

Magic of Mandorla Intensive

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the most delicate of petals

The woman’s body, tuned into the natural rhythms, it ebbs and flows and changes with its own seasons. Each part of it ages, just like the leaves from spring to autumn to winter and beyond.

And like those leaves the woman’s skin becomes so very delicate, even more tender to the touch – where moisture is hard to replenish with out the scattering showers of rain

A woman’s skin turns thinner with its winter season, changing its material form to include beautiful lines like waves on the shore. Her temples her cheeks and her eye lids become like the artists pencil marks before a great work of art.

And in that sacred place, where once her babes were born, the softening of that tissue, the most elder skin copydelicate petals of the sacred rose that begin its fall to ground, with each fall remembering a time of great passion and weeps a little more.

Gentle, so gentle we must honor her, allowing only the sweetest of kisses and the tenderest of touches from one who loves deeply and understands this precious time….

And if given permission fully, that one will be taken to a palace worth remembering, for if she allows him in, he surely is a king – for no woman will allow a mere prince to dine at this table!

A woman’s body must change we know, so she is aware of that wisdom bestowed upon her and the bleeding is done, for now as she knows herself so much deeper, she knows she is holding the power, the power that only the winter can bring

Wise crone, you show us the ways of that inner world. Not through the sweet flirtations of the maiden but of her ripened truth and ancient tree of knowledge

Maybe few will understand, no matter how they try
And for sure there are those who would turn back time
Still she will come no matter the desire, for no one can turn her face
She is knocking at the door!

Her holy union now means more than any desire,
no need for erotic pleasure to sharpen her eye, that eye is sharper than any eagles, for she has come beyond that circle of soaring and has alighted to greater heights,
for now it is she who sees the world

It is she who knows this landscape
She with the inner smile, sings to the depth of her soul
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I often hear that it is helpful to aspire to be like another person, maybe one other person, maybe an action of anothers or even a community. Its a good question to ask and is also good to ask ‘what do I aspire to in myself?’

I have often found it hard to think of another person to aspire to in the media, I don’t watch telly so I don’t know the actress’s or the singers that have become our Gods and Goddesses of our times. I witness people in power and I have my misgivings! I listen to speakers and spiritual teachers and a lot of what I see I like, I might admire, but do I want to be like them?

The question I ask is ‘how creative are they? How often do they dance? Are they heart and body centered? Are their morals and principles ones I would aspire to? Do they reach my soul?’

These questions help me to connect with the person I want to be, because sometimes I learn about how I do NOT wish to be, and I can learn a lot about things I need to work on in myself, because if I am troubled or I find I am uncomfortable in another persons actions or words, for sure I might well be behaving like that myself and I need to check on this, usually with the help of my own trusted advisor, wise elder or one who is on the path of personal recovery and healing and who I admire as I witness their own journey. Importantly I need to be able to trust them and allow them to help me to see into my own shadow so that I can release the energy of that and ‘own’ who I am or who I have become.

From this I learn about my own aspiration, which for me has to be the very best version of myself that I can possibly be, which means I have to aim high, very high! And of course there are some incredibly wonderful beings in the world that touch me deeply and I pray to become as spiritually integrated as them!

Every part of this journey matters, from my physical posture, my attendance and service to others, my morals and principles, my voice and the sharing of my own experience.  My spiritual life matters, it really matters, and it needs to include body, heart, mind and soul if I am to be of any use in the world, if I am to truly be the one I aspire to be.

Caroline Carey


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On being a Grandmother

It’s one of the most beautifully exquisite experiences that I know and like anything else not without its need for awareness, strengths, prayers and hopes.

Like many there is a very deep and loving connection I have for my grandchildren, it’s different to anything I’ve known. A love for them that connects strongly to my pulsing heart, like a deep concern and the protectiveness of an old aging lioness, I feel joy at everything they do and I laugh at funny, even naughty antics that as a parent I might not have been so accepting of. I can tolerate a lot more these days, I’m more patient and am more able to give a different kind of undivided attention  that I could not have done so easily before, what with the washing to be done and cleaning the house, taxi servicing and multiple layered mothering roles. I do not see each one of my grandchildren as regularly as I would like, yet still they are a big part of my life.

I have moments to remind me of how my heart connects to being a grandmother, remembering the phone call from my son, the one that says ‘baby is here.’ It’s a soft gentle voice no matter how big the son is, his voice is gentler and softer as if he has been to the most magical of places and I can feel his smile spread down the phone-line and into my heart, we have a moment together as tears come to my eyes. ‘Congratulations’ I say equaling his softness as if no one else should hear. I’m so happy to hear the news and I am swift to pack a bag and head in that direction, if I can, to give any support if needed or just to look into those little eyes and make our acquaintance.

Holding a new born grandchild is something special indeed. My heart will leap a little and curl its tendrons around this little soul, with a deeply nurturing and loving acceptance of all that he or she is. Knowing this is the fruit of my own child, and has come through these lineages to join us all together, is indeed a blessing.

I am blessed that each of my sons and daughters with a child, now know a bit more about me and what it has meant to me to birth and bring them into the world. They know the unconditional love that they have for their family, is what I have lived with for the most of my life. This unconditional love is also there in my heart for my grandchildren, for sure I can hand them over and get on with the other parts of my life, but the love doesn’t leave, and the thoughts and the preciousness for this life do not go away.

‘Did you ever believe you could love this deeply?’ I once asked.

Sharing a birthing experience with my daughter as she brings her little one to the world I am in awe of my own child’s strength, but she is a mature woman now and I can no longer see her as a child. We have been through the same experience now, we know each other a little better. My grandson, born as I held his mother in my arms, even remembering his tiny bottom cradled in my hand as I supported their first meeting, witnessing with the sense of awe in his eyes as he stared at his beautiful mother, is a moment unforgettable. Exhausted from a long night and two days of hanging in there for them both, I’m relieved when rest finally comes, but still I want to be back there ensuring that all is well as if there is a compulsion some how to watch over just in-case I am needed. And I know to back off and allow young mum to find her way, even through the difficulties; because that is, as mothers know what makes us stronger.

And holding back as they find their way, I am rewarded with the look in the eyes of her, or my son as they bond with their little one. It opens my heart immensely. How much prouder can I possibly be? Such a touching experience to witness.

And I do not always get it right, for that stepping back is often hard to do. I am conditioned to be that busy-body-mother-hen, who wants to support and take care and rescue! – which is the very thing I cannot allow myself to do. For every one of my friends and family must find their own way in life, I cannot make any assumption that I know what is right for another! And this is my learning to do no matter how big the addiction is to sorting out other peoples problems, I remind myself and ask…’what is truly mine to do here?’

There is the grandchild that lives far away and I am eternally grateful for the internet allowing me to know something of her and share messages from afar. Maybe one day we will meet in the flesh and I pray for that. Till then it is a journey of loving from afar, that only when circumstance allow can I know who we are together. I do my best, as only I can, always remembering that no matter what, we are connected and that will never go away. We are connected through DNA and a link to our ancestors, our connection will remain in the lineage of our timelines and the history between the families of old.

What might my ancestors today think of this situation, what would SHE think of my Grandparenting? For sure the extended families of those days would more than likely share those same kitchens and back yards, maybe work the same fileds and share in the abundance of their crops. The grandparents would watch their families grow and be so much more hands on when needed, as mothers washed clothing, as grannys cooked and mended, as fathers and grandfathers worked alongside each other in the factories and came home together to be greeted with those smiles. Well maybe not always, but I recognize my own fantasy of that extended family unit and the possibility of being more hands on on a daily or weekly basis in my Grandchildrens lives. I’m a different being, I travel to work and in this day and age of workshops and gatherings, of living far apart from each other simply because we can and we can roam the countries more easily – it makes for a different way to stay connected to our families.

And then there is the grandchild I may never see, because of a different circumstance, but one letter a year that tells me all is well and a loving family that ensure this. I felt her once, a cuddle, a kiss, a little play with toy bricks, we got on well and then a heart wrenching goodbye, I cried. My love still tied to that little soul who shares my blood but not my life. Maybe one day, who knows, but she will know that I have thought about her every day and that there is a little light inside me just for her. She will know her blood family, if she wishes to, that I can most definitely ensure.

The teenager grandchildren – we have our own relationship now. They gently find their way to adulthood and we can communicate in a new way, I am here for them and it is now they who decide when to see me, when to acknowledge me, when it works best for them. My door is always open to them, and I love the feeling of that growing and becoming the young people that they need to be – the way that he needs to be, a charming sweet young man, he tells me he loves me and I believe him, we know something of youth and I’ve watched his parents grow, become young parents and grow with him. I’m fascinated with how he meets life and all that he is becoming.

From the very first moment, I am observing who they are becoming, what their own gifts might be and what is theirs to offer. That is a privilege!

And another important aspect of granny-hood, how it is to have my own life. To not be dependent on my grandchildren to meet my aging needs. I have a career, my own home and relationship, I have my writing and my offering to keep ahead of. I know I must look after my own needs.

I am also aware of how important it is for my sons and daughters to have the last say with their children’s upbringing and not to interfere or make demands from my own opinions. My opinions must be kept to myself, unless I am asked for my experience, or a thought to share. If I notice an opinion bursting through, I must rein it in, put it elsewhere and leave well alone – for the diminishing of the parents own authority is unhealthy for everyone and will not serve the family dynamic.

And that can be hard, but not impossible, it must be remembered that if not heeded it will only cause grief and upset, it will only alienate the parents and grandparents, and cause problems with the bonding of babies to family.

My own life experience with this has taught me much. My first born, a difficult time as a sixteen year old. A blind boyfriend and much to look after. His family took over the care of little one, taken from my arms as I managed the boyfriends needs. It was many years later that I had the realisation that that was the wrong way round and how much better that would have been if they had supported their own family member, their son and brother and allowed and encouraged me to look after my own baby, to be the young mum I needed to be.

My confidence was shattered, I felt they knew best, I was watched with every move, until I could only do what I could, to lead a blind man, to care for his needs, to sign his betting slips, forever giving too much to this circumstance that was unhealthy for all. I didn’t look after my baby, except at night when all others where asleep and it was there that a sang and coo’ed to him, the time I could cuddle him without making another jealose. The time I had to be with him all by myself.

Young mums need to find their own way, to be able to ask for support when they need it and not to have this first experience taken away from them, as it was for me.

So much to learn from as we encourage those around us, no matter how much the love, let go of control, learn to let be, even when things look not quite as we would have them, remembering we are not the parents and not necessarily the best judge of what is happening, no matter how much experience we have. Unless of course there is real danger, it is not our job. Our job is to be the grandparent, to be all loving, supporting and trusting of our sons and daughters with their own decisions and ways of doing things.

I have attended births and deaths and held many ceremonial gatherings, I have played with children both young and old, I’ve walked the path of nourishing the soul and assisted the many gateways and transitions that life offers to us. And there is always more for me to learn.

Transitions between experience and the bridging of what that means is essentially my medicine, my offering and my own passion.

Walking on the edge between the worlds of birth and death is the journey of my own souls purpose and as a mother to six and a grandmother to six, maybe more as time goes by, I am doing what feels most important, to be a good Granny, to be connected to God and to love my family beyond measure, where ever they are in the world.

Caroline Carey



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the beauty of e-motion

The art of emotion is very important to me, the journey of heart and voice.  I am very passionate about doing my individual work and taking responsibility for my life and for sure I don’t always get it right! But engaging in this work touches me to the core, because it is about me showing up and growing into full maturity with my reactions to the world.dancers emotion

I know that the only thing I can heal is my own life, no-one else’s, so understanding the emotions of my heart and how it operates is very important. I know it is sometimes hard to ‘feel’ emotion and just be with it. Yet emotions are beautiful, liberating and creative, they are not to be hidden, whether we are men or women, emotions are ‘energy-in-motion’, a living breathing organism, they have their own particular dance, expression and artistry, they matter!  When that energy is released it frees us from pain, from stagnation, from depression.

But too often when emotion does arrive, we make it about what another person has done to create this feeling in us. What I know is that my feeling is MY feeling….its about me. As soon as I make it about another person I become a victim, and that is very unattractive. If I want to ‘sit with my feelings’ it needs to be in the moment, pure, this is mine and its nothing to do with any one else, no blame – kind of thing.
The crazy thing is is that it’s so much ‘easier’ to make it about someone else, it diverts the pain and for that moment, we are released…and then it comes back, maybe the story changes slightly, but the pain still arrives, time and time again.
And then what can and often does come through is emotional manipulation, and that does not serve anyone, not the one who is feeling nor the ones listening, if we manipulate and become victims with it, we are not honoring ourselves and ultimately not growing up! We go round and round in a circle, or a triad of victim, perpetrator, rescuer and it never ends.
We might admit we are at fault, but can also be prone to insist that some one, some thing, some place is also at fault.
So taking the feeling and making it ‘my own’ and nothing to do with ‘the other’ is the way forward. And owning our own part in the scenario, at least being willing to look, means we are not helpless victims, we have choices and we can gain a level of serenity no matter what that situation. And when that e-motion moves…we experience freedom, no matter what the story is, because that story no longer exists, it becomes a poem, a work of art, a manuscript even a song.
Caroline Carey
Middle Earth Medicine Ways
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Resting in the arms of repetition

Resting in the arms of rhythm and repetition. For me this has been an ultimately profound experience. The journey of trance is a very grounding and life affirming journey, one that enables me to connect body, heart and mind with a deeper knowing that the guidance of a spiritual nature is present.

Screen shot 2012-08-17 at 14.51.44
I cannot ‘not’ believe in a power greater than myself. If I did I would be too engaged with my own ability to control, to be self reliant (of which I’m a master!) and too able to be resigned to the challenges that life presents to me. I must always remember that I am not alone, that help is close by and I am able to ask for help in it’s many guises. I need to remember that if I do not pray, or do not believe in that greater power and seek its support, then I am too dependent on my own self-will which is not always the best way for me to live, for it is full of experiences that have not worked out for the best.
When I dance or journey, I surrender to that greater power, asking the questions I need to ask, and surrender to any particular outcome. At first I have to work for this, moving my body, dancing, keeping myself awake and motivated. Eventually I adopt a relaxation, resting into the drum beat, where there is no work to do, just a surrender, allowing the drum beat to do the work, where I am in the depths of the journey. I am still moving but I am surrendered to what ever the dance is, what ever wants to move through me, whether its emotion, physical energy, expression or a particular dance that just has to be danced. I might receive knowledge, a deeper understanding, wisdom or imagery. A poem might arrive or a phrase that speaks volumes to me.
Usually I am in a held space, where there is safety and I can truly let go.
After the journey, I might write what ever appeared, or what ever the information was that I received. Sometimes I might simply have ea glorious feeling of connectedness, open-heart’ed-ness, or a feeling of elation.
doctor-dancingOne thing is for sure, I must make an effort in this way, not depend on any drug or substance to get me there. My body is capable of achieving this, no matter what. It is all down to the movement of the ecstatic dancer.
To experience this in depth, we offer gatherings where participants are held over periods of time to explore, immersed in the beat, immersed in rhythm and surrendered to the heart beat of the drum. you are welcome to join us there.
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A Mandorla of Intimacy vs High Energy

I’ve been sharing workshops for nearly twenty years now, in dance and in personal process’s. And I am writing now about the challenge I see within how many students, as in the size of groups that we undertake to hold, we clearly need to make it viable as well as effective for everyone. There has often been a challenge for myself as well as for others between the necessary financial needs of the space holder/teacher and the level of intimacy that is needed for our participants. img_7426

If we are a really large group of people, then some of those participants are clearly going to feel lost and in the back ground of what is happening. Where as others will be able to step forward and take center stage and their voice will be heard.
In a smaller more intimate group, everyone has the potential of being heard and receiving attention. This is extremely important for some areas of our process and healing.
It is impossible for a large group to be held with equal connection between the teacher/space holder and students/particip487827_10151244028481583_1912567428_nants. So if we need to ensure that everyone receives that connection, then clearly the groups need to be smaller. In which case the facilitator may not find this financially viable. We need nourishing too and to be able to offer our creative work without it breaking our banks.
It has never been easy to find this balance particularly growing up in a culture of ‘big’ gatherings. I have held groups of up to 100 participants and groups of around 12, they are completely different energetically and if they are based around any particular process and not just dance, then I know the small groups are going to best serve that intimacy needed. I also trust that the ‘dance’ itself can hold us with our connection to God/Spirit, but if we are also here to communicate and connect with our ‘space holders/teachers,’  to be heard and acknowledged then that can create an impossible task.
I am big into that holding of intimacy and hearing everyone’s voice, my tendency is to lean much more into that – the voice being very key to this kind of work. We must be heard and acknowledged, there is no point in stepping back, disappearing and feeling inhibited by ‘the big group’ if we are going to find any level of healing or acceptance of our own stories. Or is that the challenge – to step up no matter what and make our way through the quagmire of our inability to show up, be seen, be heard despite the pain it evokes?
For some this will never be the right path and those who are deeply sensitive and introvert, it is simply not the way forward and never will be. Better to find that voice in the safety of intimacy than to push ones way through the crowds.
My path, I believe, really is to hold those spaces for small intimate groups, to meet with the sensitive souls who otherwise would never be heard.
I find so much creativity is found there, so many shared stories that touch the heart, so much blossoming that could not be found elsewhere.
And I encourage those who have grown up in the field of high energy big group workshops and gatherings who now find it hard to accept the struggle of small groups, trust yourself to be with that call that clearly wants to be held through you. It is very important that those spaces are held.
When it comes to financial viability, there needs to be a way to create that space too, to hold a different kind of gathering, one that nourishes ourselves as well as our participants, where we are able to immerse ourselves into the big energy, whether its dance or whatever, and know that the small intimate space will also be available to us at another time.
In order to survive and do the work I do, I need both, big energy and small intimacy. Where the big energy means less attention on the deeper work, when the high energy is designed for a different reason, to connect to God/Spirit, to find the dance within ourselves and to learn to trust in something more than our own ego. Then we can bring what we discover to that place of intimacy, to the smaller held space, to share our story and what it means to us to bring it into the world. A lot of course depends on the type of work we hold, for me it has been necessary to have a high energy to feed the dance, until I found the essence of my work which is much more suited to a smaller circle.
This is a Mandorla process in itself and it is the Mandorla that is at the root of my offering to others 🙂
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Soul Free Of Shame

imagesShame is generally felt as unworthiness, caused by how we perceive others to see us or think about us. Guilt is generally connected to something we have done that has caused problems regarding what others think or feel and what we think or feel ourselves. If we are brave enough to take courage and swim from these debilitating shores and face our shame, we open up possibilities of incredible creativity. We invite in the truth, to show us who we really are.

I wrote on this theme many years ago in my first book ‘Ms’Guided Angel’   ‘I recognise old patterns of shame emerging, I knew they were bound to appear now and again, they had a strong hold on me for many years and occasionally they would stick their head out from over my shoulder, reaching forwards to whisper in my ear. I hear that old familiar voice begging me to save its life;’

What about me, what about me, your old friend called shame’ you know me well, the one who has protected you all your life, the one who has helped you shut down so you did not need to hear those nasty words, those painful truths and even those lies, remember me

‘Sometimes it sits on a fence looking at me like vultures awaiting the kill, patiently knowing it is coming, ripe and raw, plundered from the kill of its innocence. So I study, I search, I take note of the stories that unfold around me. Knowing that somehow as I work deeper and deeper these stories have to change. Often the fear is there because I do not want to feel humiliation and shame. Better to stay small and quiet, not speak out than have to face some of those unbelievably painful issues. The red blushing face, the feelings of being humiliated by others, the gossip that may spew forth. The deadening sensations in the pit of the stomach even the sensation of near vomiting. And then there is the hope that no one has noticed this shame, as the face distorts while trying to hide the truth of what is being felt. But it is too late and those feelings begin to seep into the consciousness like a wave that empties itself out of the ocean depths.’

 I know that shame exists in many of us, me included. I believe that though guilt and shame may be difficult to deal with they are great teachers in the art of humility and being humble. They are both extraordinary pathways into feeling deep into the core of ourselves and the teachings that come from within. They can take us out of body too easily, cause dysfunctions and addictions, but ‘spoken’ to with care and tenderness they will show us deeply who we are, offering many gifts in the form of love and compassion for ourselves and others.


How do we react to and become ‘friends’ with our own shame?

Shame can be a deep pit of despair if we allow it to be, it can consume us and tie us in knots. Trying to force our way out of it can only make it cling on harder, like a small hungry child needing more acknowledgement and reassurance, to push it away will not serve and that deep pit will grow ever deeper. My journey has always been to explore the areas of shame that I/we feel in our hearts and bellies. Whatever the story, where ever it comes from, there is a dance of healing to be danced. The journey is to take apart, very gradually, the stories we carry around shame, and see if we can gently unfold the edges to look within and to be kind to those parts of us that need a little more light. The seen and the unseen – where we hide and where we speak out, they can all evoke in us a sense of shame that is innately connected to our core-wounds, to our innocence and betrayals, the pain within and the longing to be free from it. Acknowledgement and acceptance of shame is the turning point, where we begin to take the action needed to move forward and not allow the shame to diminish us. To make friends with our shame and honor the journey it has taken to be able to look and see.


I saw her as a very beautiful woman who had been locked in a tower. 

I saw her suffering because we were too ashamed to even admit we felt shame!

Her femininity was outcast because we could not bare to see so deeply into her, as a society.


Shame came to me as a beautiful woman,

No longer banished to an ugly tower,

She came to me as a beautiful woman

Free of the shackles and chains that would bind her,

Shame came to me as a beautiful woman

Full of her own creative wisdom,

Free to dance and sing with her own voice.

Shame came to me as a beautiful woman,

No longer cast out as a memory of dysfunction

The spirit of shame IS a beautiful one.


The feminine of our society, that energy that is diminished if it shows its face. The feminine, (not women,) where ever the feminine resides.

The soul is free of shame and the ego carries shame – the soul and ego need to fall in love – one cannot be in the world without the other. So we allow the soul to fall in love with our shame. If we are ashamed of others and their actions it is usually because it reflects something we feel within ourselves. The soul will accept any amount of shame within the ego and the ego must also allow the soul to receive and gently transform the ego to accept itself. It may be that we do not experience huge feelings of shame or be aware of them, but we may be acting out patterns and habits of behaviour that is still related to the original shame and its experience.

These things can relate to eating habits, to sexuality, to hiding emotions or fear of losing control. We may remain very shy and avoid any kind of embarrassing situations. It may be that our concerns about how other people perceive us or think about us, are way out of proportion, so we live our lives in fear of that and try to adjust ourselves to fit in with their perceived expectations. We may be living a very mundane existence without any creativity because that is a safer option.

Shame that manifests itself in the roots of destruction, the part of us that believes we are worthless and have no value, is the very thing that so many of us would bury as deeply as possible. Some would bury it with alcohol, food and drugs. Some with a superficial appearance of everything being ok. Much narcism is born under the guise of shame and for some they will live a life of depression and begrudge others around them.

Those who suffer shame often feel they need acceptance and love, they need people who value them, one person will never be enough. Yet the only one who can truly help us overcome this debilitating experience is ourselves.

I awoke one morning from a dream, everything seemed wrong and a voice in my head would not still itself. I reach for my note pad and scribble down words that simply flow out of me, looking for release, for freedom, so as not to be caged inside me anymore. I know it is the voice of a lack in self-esteem and I know that to know my self-esteem, I must know its shadow too.

Shame is believed to be the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in that moment of shame we feel so deeply wounded within. People who experience traumatic events are prone to shame. It is associated with a desire to hide or to disappear. Even in extreme cases to die and not be here at all. A baby has the ability to feel shame very early on in its life, being caused by simply not receiving attention when he or she expected to. When a baby or small child does not receive that attention expected, the muscles in the back of the neck weaken and the head drops forward, as eyes look down to the ground. The emotion of shame has planted its seed. Many people will close their eyes when speaking to others, look away or look to the floor. This can become a life long habit if not addressed. Such a vast subject, especially as shame creates so much pain in our lives. So often the feelings from childhood haunt us. We can too easily believe that we are somehow not good enough, that we are wrong, defective or not strong enough. We can feel different intensities, sometimes experiencing fleeting shame for some minor incident, or we can feel chronic shame. The most intense being humiliation. Humiliation is painful and yet children are often humiliated by their peers, their teachers and even some parents. The scars of humiliation run very deep and in order to alleviate them, those deep core issues need to be addressed and self esteem reclaimed.

We do not always know our own shame, but some of the ways we can know we feel shame are through our shyness, discouragement, embarrassment, self-consciousness and/or inferiority. Shame is often triggered by expectations or hopes, being frustrated or blocked, disappointed or perceived failure and rejection or lack of interest from another. These may be the triggers but not the full story of why we feel it. We need to master our shame and not allow it to have that debilitating grip on our lives. It means being a witness to it; sitting in the eye of the storm and not being blown about in the hurricane.

Innocence can be reclaimed through this process especially as we begin to acknowledge those places that we feel deep shame. So often we try to ignore it, put it aside and ride above its painful wave. Yet it sits deep within us lurking in those hidden places.

In the pain of my own body I feel your eyes

Encouraging me to open more and share those dark secrets from


Searching for the unlimited stories that have lurked in the corners

Time forgotten on all sides

Ready to emerge to envelop me with shadows of dances not yet danced

And my feet move down into the ground

Spreading my roots into the earth

Saying hold me connect me support me

Here I go once more releasing the unnecessary burdens seeking fire to burn and rid me of the past and its melancholy

Surrendering to the fluidity of mighty rivers to wash away the pressure of having to live my life

To give it up is a timely and appropriate feeling

To live no more in dread of what may or may not come

My hurt, not yours, watch me yes

But do not rob me of my own power to heal myself

It is mine and given freely for me to use as I desire

Do not make yourself the rescuer do not make your self the healer

For that is youre healing to let go of

This dance is my doing and mine alone

Simply see me and hold me in your gaze, see the darkness of me as well as my beauty

For here it unfolds onto the picture called my life

The painting rich of many colours and textures

I am maiden mother warrior and crone, the wise woman in each

I am all these things and will be all for you

Whenever you need the dance, the eyes of connection

The witness of our truth, I see you


From Ms’Guided Angel 2010

Caroline Carey

Carolines next book ‘Middle Earth Wisdom’ will be published with its own medicine cards in 2018.


Posted in body image, caroline carey, dance, dark night, healing, light, middle earth medicine ways, poetry, prose, published books, rite of passage, ritual, shadow, shamanism, spirit, Uncategorized, voice, women | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Shamans Oracle

Our imagination is a portal to the spirit world, it is what our ancestors used for guidance, wisdom and story-telling. We can learn to recapture the essence of our indigenous nature, the ways of our great, great ancestors and expand our consciousness and awareness by using and re-membering our innate human skills.

The Journey is an ancient practice which connects us to the Spirit world. Along with Animism, it is the most time tested of all spiritual practices. Often used during healings, ecstatic dance, soul retrieval for gathering insights and wisdom, the shamanic journey offers us a way to seek guidance and support in our daily lives, connecting us to the Spirit World of power animals, guides, allies and guardians. You will learn how to access the ‘other’ worlds via ‘axis mundis’ and learn how to interact with what you find.

Our imagination becomes a portal to the spirit world, where we begin to perceive and connect with the other worlds, also using myth and inner guidance of the heart.  We begin to imagine that non-ordinary reality and vision-in what we learn to expect to see, characteristically archetypal and nonlinear in nature. Our imagination gives the journey a container which can help us to interpret the messages we receive. This gives us a way to articulate the experience for ourselves, to write it and draw it, create art or poetry. We become story tellers of our own visions. We can then translate what we receive into our ‘ordinary’ reality, manifesting our dreams upon the earth.

Within the journey we are experiencing an altered state of consciousness, that expands our awareness to many dimensions. Expanding our awareness to include not just our ordinary state, sometimes called the mundane state, but to understand on a much deeper level, the potentials held in the metaphoric, the artistic and the creative. We learn different ways of ‘seeing’ things, like the patterns in our lives, the habits, the ways of relating and within relationships. We learn to understand things in a whole new way, interpreting them to find a greater meaning for ourselves finding more passion, purpose, and authenticity.

If you are very new to Shamanism…

The journeys are particularly useful for anyone facing change, looking for direction or insight, or seeking skills and ways to support themselves or others. When we discover our Spirit guides, we have a huge amount of resource at our side. They are there for us in many shapes and forms, guiding us and always willing to give us wisdom.  We learn to communicate, to be grateful, to honor these spirit guides in ways we have forgotten within our busy ‘technological’ world.

We aim for the journey to be body and heart centered and can be used within movement, as well as by sitting or lying down. We may find ourselves speaking or singing, telling stories and finding new poetry. Discovering where we may have become artistically blocked and need more inspiration.

This experience is of an ecstatic nature, taking us into territories never experienced before, to other-worldy visions and places where we can converse with animals, spirit beings and sometimes those who have passed on.

Shamanic journey has been a life changing experience for me and it feels like my body, heart and mind were longing for it and so grateful for this gift, for this tool. Thank you for sharing it. With love and respect, Johanna (interior designer)

So here is an online journeying course run by Caroline Carey, that you can use in the privacy of your own home. You can listen to Caroline sharing  sessions on the Lower, Middle and Upper World Journeys, typically used for Spiritual insights, empowerment, gathering of information, wisdom and knowledge. It is simple yet deeply nourishing and empowering.

Once you have signed up for Level 1, you will find a series of videos and information as well as practice journeys to do. Included are:

  1. The beginning

  2. Preparation for the journeys

  3. Lower world landscape

  4. Lower world and power animals

  5. Upper world landscape

  6. Upper world spirit allies and guides

  7. Recapping the journey

Once on level 2 you can also take part in free webinars that run most months, where we connect together as a group and journey with chosen themes. These meetings have been very gentle and profound.

Once all has been experienced we move on to Level 2, where we will be focusing on very specific journeys and how to master some important techniques. You can join that after attending this first course. Details will be found on the Level 1 page.

You will also gain exclusive access to a private Facebook group for course members only.

Level 2 includes:

Middle World Journeys

Journey in Movement

BPM and Brain Waves

and more…..

To join this course (with the videos), click on the button Sign up for the Course   

The Level 1 part of the course costs £47 and can be paid with a paypal account or with credit/debit card through paypal. Level 2 also costs £47.

It is recommended that you use good speakers rather than the speakers on a lap top or smaller devise. The sound quality, particularly of the drum will not be good on Iphone, Ipads and laptops.

We hope you enjoy the course and if you need more info write to this address alchemyinmovement@gmail.com

Individual sessions are available for shamanic journeying, please email for more info  Sessions cost £65 for one hour or £35 if you are signed up to the course.

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