The Muse in the Dark

I knew my menopause would ‘happen’ as I turned 50. I knew it because that is when it happened to my mother. She told me this and informed me that we usually follow the timing of our mothers on such things. I began my menstrual cycle at the same time as her also, she told me this would happen too. I was 13, so was she. So in my 50th year I stopped having my monthly menstruation and marked its occasion with a very large collage, hanging it on the wall to ever remind me of where I was in my existence, now dusty and losing the odd image as glue became unstuck. It included my blood, my last bleeding. It also included images of the witches, my own female ancestors, healers, pictures of wolves, earth, rock, raging skin including orange peel and bark from the trees, crumpled red tissue paper among broken glass, the skull of a dead bird and its bones and then words amongst many words… “now is the time to leap,” poetry I had written that year from a darkened place, meeting the archetype of whom I was becoming.
                                                                                                       

My dark angel sits in the children’s grove,

My heartbeats and the waters of the river flow from my eyes,

My promise to her is to take her essence fully into the world,

My claws and my new found wings,

Jumping off their pedestal into the dark night,

Now is the time to leap!

Things started to change quite rapidly for me. My mother said she didn’t feel any change at all, nothing seemed to happen to her really. But I wondered if that was because she was a women slightly out of touch with her body, emotions and feelings. Well she never spoke of any of those things and had an uncanny way of shutting down, sulking or disowning anything that might have resembled ‘heat.’
For me I was pretty determined to experience my menopause whatever. I wanted to know what hot flushes, flashes and sweats were all about, what all the many emotions I had heard about actually did to us. Did we really become quite mad and hysterical? I don’t think its quite like that but I did notice a sense of crazy, unadulterated, mad woman desperately wanting to emerge and yet doing my best to hone her, direct her energy and channel into something beautifully creative, which became my task.

Six years after my last bleed I still experienced those flashes in all manner of guises, I still needed to get some of those skills under my belt and I still needed to fill as much of my time with creativity as I possibly could. Failing at times and noticing the uncomfortableness when I didnt resource myself with making something, anything that resembled art, poetry, writing or a dance, frantically sometimes piecing things together to make them look moderately like a sculpture, or an attractive (unattractive) looking display of nature.

In the first year I noticed that everything around me seemed to be falling apart, quite literally and was clearly a time when I had to say ‘enough is enough and I must just give up and let go and immerse myself into this darkened time.’ Many women will say ‘this is your time, a time to focus inwardly, be by yourself and be with the process.’ So try telling that to a mother of six children, a Grandmother, a wife, a lover of community and her work and see how well that sits!

 Well, for me it made the rage even greater and the madwomen for sure would become very frustrated, however I gave it a go on occasion and as I did I came up with some amazing pieces of work/creativity/maps to share with others, and was totally at times, engrossed in that creative energy, my dance and the power that seemed to give to me. But totally alone? I don’t think so.
I’m not a sit in ones cave and meditate kinda girl, but inward I did go, no matter what or who was around me, into that darkened place that only an aspiring crone can really go, because it gets ugly, darker and uglier the further she goes!

I missed my bleeding’s, feeding my plants with their regular fertiliser, having that monthly reminder of my femininity, observing its relationship with the moon and how well it seemed to connect to the seasons, well I was lucky those bleeding’s were never too bad, painful, hefty! I was very aware of how other women might suffer. But it was to be, I quite enjoyed my ‘periods.’ I experienced ‘the cramps’ still for awhile on occasion, just slightly and they reminded me to keep on moving and dance them away as a new dance set in.

Now they are forgotten after all of this time, is it seven years now?  And yes it can be a nice relief, no worries about pregnancy or being caught out when the timing is a bit amiss. But the changes to the rest of the body are some what a shock, as the skin wrinkles, (that was represented as orange peel and tree bark in my collage,) muscles are simply not the same, bones and joints ache and one is continually suggested to, to take this herb and that supplement that are all different depending on the woman and her experience, and so much advice and suggestions drive you a little bonkers and you simply want to just get on with it and stop fussing, because the mad woman is actually enjoying the challenge and even in her discomfort, even if the belly at times is so bloated she cant help but just feel fat, she knows this is such a valuable time and doesn’t actually want to make it easier, because this is part of the process, to feel it, to breath it, to be creative with it, and without the agony of body changing she would miss out on such an experience. Yes that belly knows it is a time for new birth, emerging is the new SHE, the agony of that emergence.

  Well, its not exactly agony, that might be a bit dramatic, its more a fierceness, a hot rage that surges through the body making it so uncomfortable and itchy, yes itchy, so that you want to rub yourself raw with the heat and then that inspires some crazy painting or a poem or words for the next book that seep through the raging skin and there you have something utterly beautifully creative, you need that heat again to bring on the next surge of passion and creative juice!

Who do we become at this time? Letting go of what has been before and some how accepting this new way, this new soul of womanhood. Only the one who experiences can know. It is different for us all. No couple of years can give us that knowledge, no ‘one’ experience, no other woman’s experience, but our own, our own souls calling into the creative spirit that we are. Because at this time our true medicine or power or artistry, will shine through at its fullest, the words we speak, the art we create, the poems, the carefully designed cloth and tapestries and no one, but no one can tell us it should be any other way, but the way we have created it, through all that past experience coming to fruition, the life of our feminine spirit, ready to take her place in the world, to meet with her own power source and let it nourish the very bones of our feminine lineage, that the daughters and sisters will find a way to follow.

 I lay there on that big rock, two days, two nights, cradled in its arms,

relaxed as the sun shone down on my face,

my body, contemplating the meaning of my existence.

I told the rock about my life and all that it involved as I saw it,  

I sang my song for it to hear.

Drifting into the trance of comfort and belonging

I nestle under the sky above me,

looking into the heart of the universe.

What is my name I heard myself ask..ShamanKa-Mama was its reply.

Caroline Carey           www.middleearthmedicine.com

About Caroline & Ben Carey-Cole

A film maker and a dancer, addicted to creativity, investigates the source of dance, the loss of connection and the need for addiction...more to follow...
This entry was posted in ceremony, dance, dark night, health, menopause, ritual, shamanism, women and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Muse in the Dark

  1. Deepti says:

    Thank you for writing this Caroline

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