Polarizing The Relationship


I would never want to lose my own femininity. It is really important to me. But I recognize that in order to be ’empowered’ in the world I also need a healthy level of masculine energy inside me to keep me focused and working on the things I love to do. But I always need to remember that ‘in my relationship’ I am the feminine one and this serves me so much better than trying to be some sort of ‘equal’ with the masculine. I realize we can become de-polarized and therefore we cannot meet each others needs. This can only cause problems. (not so of course if one is a naturally masculine woman and the other partner a more feminine man but this is not the case for me.)

I need my man to be centered in his masculinity. Strong and protective. As a woman I need to be able to be vulnerable and full with my emotions. Able to express them freely. Women have a much wider range of emotion to men, quite naturally and we need our men to be able to hear our emotions without attacking, crouching or running away. When my previous partners retreated into their caves because I was expressing myself then I was  likely to   lose my trust of them and look else where for passion and connection, even fulfillment and significance. For some women it might mean  following them and getting louder and more demanding!

Being with the feminine creature that I am, can at times be tough, as I struggle to maintain those opposite polarities of masculine and feminine. When those polarities are strong enough I know my relationship can run on full cylinder and be passionate, inspiring and growing fully into what it needs to be. We can take risks in order to grow and transform. There is no fear of arguments, my man will remain strong and empowered, and I will feel heard.

I was never able to raise my voice within relationship for fear of violence that may follow and if not violence then a retreating into his cave unable to stand the force of feminine passion. I would keep quiet, but then realizing I was burying a deep resentment inside me. I was not sharing my whole self. It was not possible. Yet a part of me really needed to express myself fully. I was able to take a lot of these emotions onto the dance floor and that was healthy, but my relationship suffered. I lost respect and was unable to be totally feminine with my partner. My ‘own’ masculinity had to support me in this. I felt my partner to be weak and not able to be present with me. A lack of trust ensued and love was lost.

I know that my true femininity will test the masculine, will push to see what he is able to stand up to. To know that he is strong enough for me. But if I am more masculine, then I will want him to be feminine and will be the one in control. He may then feel diminished as a man and not good enough for his women. And many of us have seen what happens then! Does he look else where for significance of his manhood? Maybe work, other women, his friends, sport etc. But I hear that to really feel in his own power with his woman, to be able to make her feel good and happy, develops in him a much greater happiness and far more satisfaction than anything else.

I believe that in this masculine dominated world we have begun to lose touch with the intuitive feminine. Even beginning to take on masculine habits and functions. This can be absolutely fine but a lot of our natural feminine instincts begin to go underground. Do we lose touch with our true authentic feminine and become more and more like our men. Do we trust them less and become dissatisfied in our relationships. Its one of the major losses within relationship. If this really suits us then that is fine, but I know for myself it feels important to really value my femininity, not see it as weak, victimized, or with lack of growth, but to really inhabit those emotions, that vulnerability, that gentleness and see that as my greatest strengths. And I want my man to be firmly in his masculine, so I know where I stand, I know I am protected, looked after and cared for, I can be my whole self whether emotional, quiet or anything in-between and he will be able to hold that for me. For me to step fully into my feminine and really trust that, is sometimes difficult for me, the masculine in me doesn’t always want me to do it. I can feel the force of its power wanting to protect the feminine in me. It has had to learn the hard way! But I am learning to trust my man and intend to allow myself to grow with much more awareness of how it really can be in a healthy polarized relationship.

These are testing times, relationship is likely to become a really sensitive area for people trying to support themselves and their families. Chances are many of us will struggle with being together, yet it does not have to be that way. Relationship can be the place we seek refuge and grow together, giving each other the support we really need. If we can embrace the masculine and feminine in our relationship and see where it needs to grow from, then it becomes a strong place for deep healing, trust, growth and contribution.Provided we can always pay attention to those small moments when the polarizing becomes de-polarized then we can shift ourselves back again and talk about what happened and why.

I’m loving relationship, being in it, whether challenged or not, it’s all part of new growth. I feel very happy to take some risks, be seen for who I am and let the big old hearts blossom and spring forth! I love the masculine and I love my own femininity.

May the masculine and feminine be authentic and continually grow stronger together.

About Caroline Carey

Caroline is an English Grandmother and an aspiring crone~elder, an author of four books, a speaker and innovative and creative teacher, offering her work via workshops and gatherings online as well as internationally. By adapting the religious education insisted on by her family, she was able to recognise her own innate connection to God/Spirit and has been on a spiritual path since childhood. She is a champion of music, dance and poetry as healing tools since she was four years old and developed an innate understanding of the soul’s journey, a connection to physical embodiment through movement, theatre and the creative arts. Her work is harmonious with nature. Her journey has manifested as her own personal training into eldership and crone-hood, carrying the wisdom needed for stability and balance in individuals, relationships, families and communities. Mothering her six, now adult, children, gave Caroline the art of play, creativity, story-telling and opened up the deep surrender and unconditional love that motherhood can bestow. Caroline has trained in many modalities of dance, therapeutic and spiritual teacher trainings since 1986. She is a writer who has published her autobiography and four other books about her spiritual work. Her latest book, 'Middle Earth Wisdom' will be published soon. She lives in UK with her husband Ben Cole, a film-maker, a director who works with men’s initiation groups. They often offer work together, incorporating dance, presentation and film. Caroline is: A mother and grandmother A writer and poet A dancer A spiritual life coach A catalyst for change She is available to you for guidance
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