Caroline Carey Writings, Prose & Poetry

When we think of the addict, what do we see? A poor beggar on the street, a homeless man? Do we see drunk teenagers or young people partying, or a crazy woman shut in her home consuming bottle after bottle of gin? What do we see of the addict in our society? It can be so easy to pass judgement on some one who seems so out of control, so hell bent on destruction and of sabotaging him or herself. But if we look more closely we get to realise that we are all addicts in one way or another and to really deal with that addiction means that we have to let go and let go of a lot!

It is not just alcohol or drugs that create the addiction story in us, for there are many kinds of addiction. And the greatest addiction amongst the human race, is the one of having more possessions and the need for more oil to manufacture our goods and superficial needs, the need of never quite managing to have enough. We are immense consumers, looking for more and more. This is the nature of addiction in our society and it seems we are not able to stop!

Part of that addiction is created because of the sense of loss. Something is missing, there is an emptiness that cannot be filled no matter how hard we try. In my own view this is a spiritual loss, a loss of the divinity within us. Instead we have made the divinity something that can be obtained from what is around us.

I notice when I am not embodying my ecstatic dance, when I am not praying or meditating and having conversations with spirit, then my own addictions start to seep inwards into my life. They are not obvious, In fact very subtle and in no ways causing drama or sabotaging my life. But none the less they are there.

Who better than to learn from about the dangers of addiction than the alcoholics, the drug users, the over eaters and those with love and sex addictions? Are they not great teachers of our times about how easy it is to rape and pillage our lands, to abuse and steal from the Mother Earth. It might be a crazy notion, but do we understand the nature of addiction, really, in ourselves and society? Once we become more conscious about our addictions, we have taken that first step.

Is addiction a gift to learn from?

I know I have been that mother, I know the feeling of being taken from, because of his addiction, I know the pain in my heart and the absolute longing for his peace as well as my own. And this has brought me closer to God to Spirit than anything else. That one prayer has been my savor, my grace and my sanity. When I was able to turn around and speak those tremendous words ‘my sons addiction is a gift’ was the day that my trust and connection to spirit grew a thousand fold. And I never could have believed I would have ever uttered those words, not in a million years. And how many times have I heard the same from those afflicted by the most horrendous of journeys into the darkest solitude, the loneliness and the crazy, crazy benders and tragedy after tragedy actually say in the end they would not change it, it has been a gift! For all the heartache, the soul searching, the pain and loss, it was meant to be and it is meant to be. For once they find Spirit, they know exactly why they had to endure that journey. They had to meet with that hell, that breaking apart, that deathly meeting with their own mind.

Yes, they have told me it has been a gift, the ones who survived, and many of course do not! It is a powerful journey that not all can make to the other side. And when some do it is only to replace one addiction with another that keeps them a little saner and less aggrieved,

I can only really write as a mother of one who has suffered this way. But by walking this path, I see addiction in myself and in many more forms than just his. We, as a whole human race are addicts.

This path has shown me my own addictions and the need to surrender myself to the most impossible moments of the deepest dread. I have come to believe that addiction is a spiritual illness, a loss of soul, where entity finds its way through, fixing itself to the murky layers of shadow that we surround ourselves with, the entity covers over the light body, sucking substance and sustenance for its own need. As soon as the user tries to do without, that entity goes to work, calling out from its starving belly, “Feed me, feed me, you know that you must for it is my need you must fulfill!”

We are addicted that is for sure, I am addicted and those users who fall into the dreaded path of drunkenness and horrid abuse of the body are showing us just what it is we are doing to life on Earth. We have become that addictive illness on our planet. We are the virus, the cancer growth that is using up all of its resource, scourging the body for more until once used it prepares to leave and find another vessel to cling its monstrous claws to.

We are hungry for sustenance, hungry for pleasure, hungry for possessions, hungry for that one more fix as the thirst dries us completely and we are unable to say ‘no.’ No, to the purchase, no to the packaging, the need to buy, the need to accumulate.

I am not free of this, I watch it happen to me. When I feel down or despondent, I can quite easily shop or eat or long for my lover, my man. I can be desperate for a phone call, a connection or to satisfy myself by finding something to bring home. As a little girl, I ‘needed’ something; usually something of my mothers, a trinket to take to school and I was not able to go without it, it was like an addiction that would send me into turmoil if it was not there. As an adult of course this is controlled but I can still notice those times where that need reappears, and I have to feel into my heart for what it is I am longing for.

Can we be willing to see the addict as our teacher? To allow ourselves, instead of judging and criticising him or her, to see ourselves in that mirror, no matter how hard that might be and acknowledge we too have a problem that is out of control?

The human race is out of control! Our incredible need is stealing, raping, pillaging and throwing the garbage of it whereever we wish to, without any thought or feeling.

The very realisation of what we are doing to our planet shows that there is great potential for change. Once we realise this, we know we have to make change, we have to open our eyes and our hearts and demand that we turn things around. Yet it is only when things become so dangerous, when we hit that ‘rock bottom,’ where chaos ensues, can we be so utterly sick of what we are creating that no matter how much it takes we begin our own journey to sobriety, for are we not drunk on the idea of possession and wealth and the ownership of what is not really ours?

If we have to hit rock bottom before we turn this around, what kind of devastation will that mean? It could actually be the reality of our human race. The only way we will realise how desperate our situation is, is by being the same as that addict, getting to that pitiful place where all hope is lost. Chaos will ensue, and at that center of chaos life will emerge, just like the Phoenix from the flames, emerging stronger and brighter with all its many colours. And then like the addict we can only turn to God, to Spirit or that higher power to be saved.

We will need our sobriety, we will need our humility, we will need to be able to say I/we got it wrong, for at the center of chaos lies creativity. New birth. But that mighty orgasmic conception as the Yin and Yang and the fire of creativity join together, as the Vesicus Piscis of wisdom erupts and shakes us to the very core of our being, when the Mandorla of existence recognises our own split and forces us together to join forces, that spiritual force will be right at that center reminding us who we really are. And our humbleness will be our savor. Without it we cannot move on.

The Mandorla, the Vesicus Piscis, the Rose and The Thorn, the Areola is the meeting of our opposites. When this mighty force plunges us into the chasm of despair, of pain and darkness, only then will we see the light shining through. And it will take time before we can see it because our eyes will need to open a little wider and we will need to learn to see with our whole being, not just the ego part of ourselves but our whole self, the most intimate parts of ourselves at the very core of our humanity.

Caroline Carey

please visit our blog ‘Creatively Addicted’ to learn more about the film/documentary we making on addiction  https://creativelyaddicted.wordpress.com/