These are words from my first book, Ms’Guided Angel. In honor of my dear teacher and friend, Shaman Mama and beautiful inspirer of my journey;

Image

I was now holding a small 5Rhythms session in the local village. A few people came regularly to a weekly class and I found myself teaching long before I was really qualified to do so. But I had a sense of confidence, and sought advice from my teachers who encouraged me to continue whilst I was completing the pre-requisites for the training.

I organised a trip to the United States. I was terrified – this was the biggest step so far – but I had to meet Gabrielle. I felt sure that if she met me, she would accept me on her training. Just before leaving for New York I hurt my foot badly. I had been at the weekly class and had rolled onto the side of my foot with a loud crack. The x-ray showed that nothing was broken, but my foot swelled up and I could barely walk. I went home in a big bandage which remained on during the journey. I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to dance well, but the swelling grew less with the help of massage and oils and some gentle exercise stopped it getting too stiff. I kept the bandage on for support.

There I was, in New York, in a dance studio with a hundred other people. I saw Gabrielle at the other end of the room and I felt I knew her. I stared at her and some distant memory stirred as if I had known her from a previous life. The workshop was called ‘God, Sex and the Body’. All these elements in the title had strong issues for me; but I was there, waiting for this work to unfold me.

Gabrielle’s work involved dance and theater. Dance I had always done but theatre was relatively new to me and intriguing. It was ritual theater and her method was to take what we found in our dance and put it into a form that could be presented to the group. These pieces would often be very simple and yet powerful and full of meaning. I didn’t really know how to produce a piece by myself, but as the end of the workshop came in sight and we had to present what we had learned or what we had found within ourselves during the workshop, all I could see was my brokenness, my wounded distress, the young girl and the teenager whose body had been abused, beaten and wronged.

There was only one thing to do. I took my bandages from my bag and the piece of cloth that I had used to wrap around my ankle. On the cloth I drew a red x with a felt tip pen. Taking off my clothes except for a pair of white knickers, I wrapped the x-marked cloth around my heart, and then I took the bandages and tied them around parts of my wounded body. This was me as I had been, beginning to heal and ready to reveal her wounds to the world. I stood there on stage, desperately wishing I was elsewhere. Gabrielle asked the others on the stage to leave; I was there, me and my bandages, alone. So I let go. What I danced I don’t know; I just let the dance happen, in front of a hundred people.

I don’t know what it signified to others, but I do know it was very powerful for me. I felt something in me taking over as I danced and thought: this is a new beginning. This is how I shall teach, not by giving instructions but by sharing my experiences. I am both the teacher and the teaching.

I had the opportunity to meet and talk to Gabrielle. She was aware that I wanted to train to teach her work to others. I liked her very much. She looked a bit like the bad witch in fairy-tale books, my favorite character, all black and floaty, with long fingers and black straggly hair, but I knew she had a heart of gold and an immense amount of love.

It was time to leave and I returned home with a mission. I sent off my application for the training with a video of my dance and the words I had written. Now I had to simply wait and see if I had been accepted. We were told we would be hearing by the end of the year but I never really had any doubts that I would be accepted. I don’t know why I felt so sure because I hadn’t done as much work as a lot of others and still had more steps to complete. It occurred to me that I ought to look at other courses in case my application was unsuccessful, but I pushed the thought aside. I was going to do this and I put my energy into looking for ways to raise money to pay for it. It was going to cost a great deal: not just for the training but also the flights to America and the accommodation, food and childcare.

I practiced some powerful visualisation techniques. Dancing in my bedroom, I would ‘see’ myself as a teacher, strong and clear, music at my side, developing my teaching skills. I brought the good feelings that these pictures induced into my dance and created stronger images. I practiced daily in front of my mirror to bring more light and colour into them, moving my body in ways that I had seen other teachers do.
You are in my heart Gabrielle, I will always love you, thank you for your teachings.  Ccxx

From ‘Ms’Guided Angel’ published 2010

Posted on October 23, 2012 by Caroline Carey | 9 Comments

Words from a Snake Medicine workshop……

Posted on October 21, 2012 by Caroline Carey

Mama snake is with us, her spirit rides this journey with her guardian the wild little girl. Nothing to hold her back, to simply find her sensuality and remind us how to move our bodies with a strong connection to the earth to the universal mother. Together we speak her story of renewal and alchemy, reaching into the shadows and darkened places. Bodies move together as one, sharing the medicine within the cauldron – searching into the familiar landscapes through each axis mundi, listening to the beat of the drum as it expands the mind and follows into the hidden wells of mysticism.

Why are we here?

The voice opens, she hisses outwards, spewing out the sound that once shook the world and had to be silenced for fear it would cause too much unrest in the minds that heard it.

The sounds take her further beneath the earth of the body, into a golden valley – where waters glisten amongst the shimmering lights and forms a golden egg held in hands tenderly, as if ready to birth what  might never have imagined or even spoken of – and so she charmed her way into the folds of skin, deep into the membranes of those who would dare to dance her dance – her way of being in the world – and as they drank in her medicine it opened up each and every cell as sweat and tears poured out into the sage filled spaces, the dance and the medicine went deeper into those crevices and mingled with the sinews. Releasing the tied up knots of conformity – great mama snake tenderly uproots one flower after another, as they fall misshapen to the earth and back to the mother, ready to add their stories to the ashes and the debri.

Smoke lifts those wings into the heavens where they meet with the dream time and we see our own need of growth transform into the beloved, so that then all the trimmings can now be let go of, we witness  our freedom in the dance and the treasure that it gifts us.

No need to hold onto the old ways. No need now nor then, neither a need in our companions, for it will not serve.

So the simple question being; What has been? What is now? What is becoming?

 www.alchemyinmovement.com

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

From ‘ The Circle’

Posted on October 10, 2012 by Caroline Carey

Image

 And Circle becomes the feminine mother intuitive, the nurturing part of myself and the dreamer who speaks softly inside me. My dear family in all directions, how does she make it right for others? How much does she give, how much is she responsible for? Does she assume they cannot look after their own needs? Mother one, who knows. Mother, one who knows. Mother who has so many roles she forgets herself many times over. Mother moon, looking down towards the earth. Towards the children in the darkness, I see you. There are no needs that do not need acknowledgement, no needs that are not real and worthy of love and tenderness. Even those needs we would dishonour through fear of judgement. Connecting back down to earth, to memory in the bones, I see you again, earth bound mystery.

Mother, feminine, loss, betrayal, speak the love you once knew and let not the tides wash away too soon the possibility of deep growth that try’s to force its way through the cracks made open in the stretching mind of the body. Mother mystery, so much unknown and yet so much held in the voices unspoken, learning to trust, mother learns to trust and speak, for only she is the one who knows deeply the turmoil in her own belly. Learning to give freely from this turmoil to see what was unable to be set free and protecting the one, she unravels the bloody yell back to where it came from. Whore, witch, mistress, enchantress, dark mother writhes in unseemly passion, what many of us could not possibly know or take a second glance towards, incase it touches one finger tip to poison our minds against what is now settled and confirmed.

That sweet confirmation of victim, lost to the story. Dare we take another look into a realisation that all is not lost and thrashing out that one last spell, we are victim no more. My world is changing both inside myself and all around me. I notice how the body shifts itself into a new gear, one that is preparing for a whole new level of being with woman hood. It is inevitable, it must change as the age draws nearer and bleeding ceases, I am not the ‘productive’ beast any more, the child bearer and big bellied mother. A grandmother now and happy for it to be this way. My body changes inside as the small womb shape becomes that hardened walnut and shrinks its size. So too does my world around me and I find the nest of my home far more appealing. I want to curl up under softness and find the dark corners of my mind for contemplation. To burrow into the dream time and watch the colours changing to their subtle more undefined shades.

My small workspace mirrored around me, reminds of that walnut and I keep drawing on my own medicine woman from the shell of its existence. There is no need for the big immense gathering any more, I simply do my work as much for myself as with anything else that needs it. Unraveling years of hard work now done, now completed as all things must be.

 And the change happens, I become the elder, the grandmother, the wise women holding wisdom beyond her years. My years that started before I was ready and so they must continue.

 In my own circle I am aware of so many changes, as women it can be a challenging time but I had learnt that the only way was in the deepest surrender, to allow my body to do what it needed and though some times uncomfortable, letting it have its way, going through as much as it needed to. Menopause has been happening forever and here is yet another way for women to try and control what is one of the most natural of process’s. Just like our first menses and our childbearing, we have been too quick to try to control it, make it less uncomfortable and avoid it if at all possible.

I am welcoming these changes, I know it can be a rough ride but just as in birthing my babies, I have had to surrender to nature, to allow its forces to pass through me. I noticed so many changes and at first they took me by surprise. So suddenly they seemed to happen. Well I knew it was due, so no surprise, but the rapidity at which things changed could throw me off my centre. Still I noticed a stronger sense of myself, more confidence and a deeper knowing of who I was. The skin may be changing but it was simply another cover for a worn out ego that did not serve any more. Like my own snake shedding her skin it was time to take on a gentler and more mature outer layer and a softer sense of being a woman. My circle began to show new forms, animals that could offer me a different sort of companionship, different textures that matched the walls and the linings of the cauldron. A darker presence that spoke to me in a different language and yet I understood every word.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

An exert from ‘Reclaiming Our Innocencel’ soon to be published, By Caroline Carey

Posted on September 24, 2012 by Caroline Carey

Image

‘Write a love letter to the earth’ we are told, ‘begin to find what is alluring to us, what calls to us from this beautiful mystical place.’

How wonderful it is to be so close to you, as I lay in your warm grasses feeling the delicacy of each blade and the softness of your touch as my fingers pass through each delicate strand. The pulse of you’re beating rhythm meeting my own heart and as I listen deeply our songs begin to entwine. I feel you calling me to come ever closer to share our bodies to touch the sensuality of mingling dances. As my toes and fingers find their way into your flesh, as I explore the rocks and stones and craggy places my bones meet your bones we become one together.

I know I am made from you and we are one together, the story of my life meeting the story of yours. As I feed you with my love and with my deepest affections I know too that you feed my soul and my very being with nourishment. This garden, this spirit world, these rose buds and waterfalls reminding me of the sweetest promises that I will make to you time and time again, that I am here for you just as you are here for me, to share the poetry and the pleasures, simply, being united in our love.

I touch your moss, your heather, your ivy clad tree trunks, I touch blossom and even your thistles and thorns, reminding me of all these places that are mine, also remembering my whole being, my self and all that can and will return into your darkness, my dismemberment is your compost ready to be born again as the sweet rays of sunlight warm our body’s as we reach again for heavenly skies, enchanted by the creatures big and small who stir our minds with dreaming. Here I am with you, guide me, love me, as a mother loves her child.

That night I dreamt as the river called its melody. I was taken to a place of council amongst the elders, there I sat as my body heated, yes the fire was burning not just in front of me in the center of the circle but inside my body, my temperature gauge now fluctuating crazily, my own central heating system is doing its stuff to take me more fully into elder-ship, my bleeding days diminishing fast, my ancestors and my elders knowing this journey well. ‘Welcome to the heat they tell me.’

I am then led to the river, ‘it is time to know the rivers ancestors too’ they say, ‘but to know this you must get used to the cold, it will be very cold’ I am told.

I dream further into the night, my dreamer awakened into what I was yet to experience.

The dream maker appears as a Station Master, old and grey, he seemed somewhat saddened.

Close by to the area we stayed in was a mine with its own railway; I felt its ghosts and presence. The stationmaster took me to an old house, it was very dark and damp, there were thick cobwebs in every corner. As I entered the room I saw that there were two empty fire places, neither had any sign of a flame or coal ready to be burned, they looked like they had been left for many years to collect dust and webs. Why were there two fireplaces here, maybe once it had been two rooms?

What did this dream mean? I was left there not knowing what I was meant to do. I wait for the clarity to present itself to me.

I feel the river seducing me into being myself, ‘just be yourself’ it calls to me as its vibration begins to quicken into me. I feel as if the river is under my skin, shaking me up as I sense this journey is taking me into some scary places. I remember the name I was given ‘Earth Light Singing’ I remind myself to keep singing and I do.

River running brightly,

River running lightly,

River running brightly

Hold me in your arms

I will sing you my song

I will sing you my song,

I will sing you my song

A song we will sing.

I have a Mytho Poetic Identity I am told. Something that we are born with, but as we grow older it becomes lost as we create our social identity which then needs to be formed. Social Identity is really important to help us establish ourselves. We develop our own ego characteristics that will help us to engage more with the world. Without the ego we are not able to form relationships, make decisions, create our careers or educate ourselves, amongst many other things known to the human race. We are born to have a unique place in our roles on earth, this is also known as our ecological identity. It has a destiny, a role, a quality to offer our communities and to the earth.

We have no idea what it is at first, no language to create it with. There needs to be a process that will help us to re-member what our eco-identity is……………….

An exert from ‘Reclaiming Our Innocence’ soon to be published, By Caroline Carey

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Finding a key to innocence

Posted on September 11, 2012 by Caroline Carey

I am noticing a very happy thread of joy flowing through my body. I am aware of the next journey exciting me, a time to gather with my clan and to dance and journey together. I am to meet with my ancestry and to explore unknown territories together. It’s been awhile since I gathered in this way and I am hungry for the opportunity to be amongst the knowledge and wisdom of so many. A place where I am not in any way seen as different, where I feel accepted just as I am. And I recognize my own acceptance of myself and love of the creature born to me, so seeing that mirrored back to me sparks off that joy and liberates my spirit, touching the soul of my heart and freeing any negative thoughts about who I should now be in the world. Back to the primal, back to the innocence, reaching into the story and poetry of my life, trusting and acknowledging it is the right path, the true path and I can play as much as I like with it. Take away the serious frown, take away the need to conform, it really does not matter. What has it ever really done for us? Learning what is right from wrong, listening inward to the heart, following spirit and all it teaches us, dancing freely with the elements and caring for nature, what could possibly be more important than that.

When our own innocence meets with the innocence of the natural world, we have unity; we have a deeper understanding that rarely exists in our modern, faster than though society. Then there is the loss of joy for the memory of simple excitement. But for more possession and wealth, for faster richer, bigger, better. The excitement of innocence and joy becomes buried amidst the toys and playthings, the dressing up clothes and the imaginative wonderment of childhood. Forced into a closet of yesteryear. Until one day a key may open the door…  And how many doors need to open? What will it take to open all of those locks and to allow the full essence of our innocence shine through? What would it take that we might be brave enough to let go of the fabric of that conformity and face enough of our own inner-sense? We can await our own catastrophes, we can wait for the heartaches and losses and pain, in order to be forced into that place of looking inwardly. Or we can begin, one step at a time to peek into that closet that was once closed and pick through some of those old memories, just to see if there is a little voice in there, some where that says ‘remember me?’ A little voice that had to be silenced incase it spoke a little too much or invited us to feel a pain that we preferred to put to one side. That same little voice, if in that closet too long may just begin to bang too loudly on the closed door, or throw a tantrum amidst what is buried there, creating turmoil and dust and a whole mixture of darkness that wants to erupt and blacken out our lives. Better still to find that golden key and invite the child out to play!

from ‘Reclaiming Our Innocence’

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The seed knows the seasons…

Posted on August 22, 2012 by Caroline Carey

Image

I am sitting in the yurt in our garden, I hear a simple chime in the background that hangs on a near by tree, the sound of the gardener next door, busy with his tools and the wind making the loose flaps of the yurt sound like wings landing on roof tops and fluttering birds, shaking loose feathers. I am still today. Little thought of what needs to be, just resting from a mind that has been curious as to what is next on the agenda. What is next? Does it really matter?

I remind myself of those words, ‘I am an actor on the stage of life, the script is already written and all I need to do is show up and play each role with a passion, nothing to control or make happen. Simply say yes to every opportunity and stop planning  how I think it should be. Let the ideas drop into the box of shapes and if they fit through the holes then so be it. But if they do not then discard them because there is no time to sit with anything that does not serve or wastes any time. Time where I could be dreaming. Valuable time where stillness inspires and the journey has no beginning or ending, it just is.

The crow caws sending his rhythm to the world and I am aware that so much is happening out there, yet here in this stillness so little, like a seed in the ground so small so quiet, barely a movement and yet its potential of growth and what it can offer to the world is huge, expanding beyond all recognition of what it began as. A small brown shape mingled in with the dirt of the earth. Waiting – just waiting. 

And then as the dancer unfolds me I feel warmth of sun on my body, just as when the little seed reaches upwards to the light, to stretch its limbs and become the very thing that calls to it. The energy of life finding its way through the cracks and crevices, fed by the energy of the earth and the waters of life, breathed on by the winds of change. How will this one little seed connect to the community around it. How will it spread out to be included in one forest, remaining with its own uniqueness and its own fragility, still being all it needs to be without the need of conformity and changing to fit in with that particular woodland, in ways that would force it to become something it was not. Yet changing skins subtly from season to season, changing its form as leaves and flowers drop to the ground, it knows the time for shedding and letting go, allowing the old to drop back to the earth, creating compost to feed new growth. This seed knows the seasons and knows how to adapt to them.

My own dance knows the threads to be woven, the weaving in and out of natures tapestries and all she guides us to be.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Creation Story

Posted on August 17, 2012 by Caroline Carey

In the very beginning as the second seed was planted, a daughter began to grow inside the Great Mother. The Great Mother wanted her daughter so much. In her she knew that great things would become. So she nurtured her, but with a vibrant touch.Image

She knew if she were to grow fully she would need many, many challenges. She would need to expand all of her muscles in her body and heart and mind with a warrior’s spirit. She knew she would have to learn to fight.

Much as the Great Mother loved her precious daughter, so very deeply inside, she sent to her mighty storms, she sent her earthquakes and tore her heart to pieces over and over again, shattering her trust and allowing her body to be bruised and battered.

The Great Mother felt the pain in her heart and body as she watched her daughter suffer at her own doing. But still she persevered for she knew how necessary this was.

She blessed her child with sons and daughters, she blessed her with fine fiery teachers, she made her dance religiously because she knew she would die too soon if she did not.

 And as her daughter grew, her body getting stronger, her spirit becoming like the fire and the wind, her mind like a mighty wave on the sea, the Great Mother softened, for she knew the time was right to send her daughter out into the world, trusting in the work she had done.

 And sometimes the daughter hated her mother, sometimes she cursed and spat from the fire in her belly. Sometimes she turned away and shunned that mighty force.

But always she came back to rest in the great mother’s arms. To be held and truly loved as a daughter needs to be loved.

 And she gave gratitude to the Great Mother for the pain and the suffering, for the strength of her soul. And she vowed to give back all that she had received in the energy and form of unconditional love, happy to give of herself on the path of healing the Great Mother’s wounds.

 And with her heavenly father’s approval, love and blessings, the daughter grew great and mighty wings that only a few could see, but when she opened her wings, all who were around her could fly.

And she became one with the Mother and Father, she became Divine Earth and Fire, Water and Air.

She became one with the Cosmos and all that ever existed. For she is love,  she is breath, she is the dance.

And where once she believed that life was hard and difficult, the daughter began to see that despite the struggles and challenges, life is actually a great adventure.

The Creation Story taken from ‘Ms’Guided Angel’  MyVoice Publishing 2010

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Voice of the feminine

Posted on August 13, 2012 by Caroline Carey

Women know the cycle of death and rebirth. This is what the masculine originally found threatening and so the wise feminine removed from its community became silenced, it went underground! Witches burned whether men or women. The voice of femininity lay dormant held within the crevices and shadows of the earth. Not daring to speak too soon lest it be called a fool, lest it be dominated and ridiculed. Lest its tongue be cut out!

The authentic femnine voice/medicine went underground, afraid that the medicine would be harmed further, it has laid dormant and unheard until now in preparation for these changing times, it begins to emerge. Woman will return to their essence and their soul and awaken and speak out, without fear of suffocation and silencing

The death and birth cycle remains strong in women through their menses and child-birthing (whether they have birthed babies or not) We ‘re-member’ our mothers and grandmothers stories in our bodies.

We know the process of the journey to go inwards – into our womb space and the deep surrender that then has to unfold, where we cannot resist nature and her calling, we know the deep pain and primal scream that reminds us of our deepest and most vulnerable state. The child will be born through us and we will then have to let go of that part of ourselves and witness the innocence take form, supporting it to grow up in the world. Allowing it to rise as a new existence on the earth.

As the masculine matrix becomes more and more fractured and falls apart, the feminine circle will hold that energy taking it back down to the depths where the internal fire lies within the center of the earth. Here it will be consumed and given new life, like the phoenix rising. The feminine, taking this life will nurture it and bring it into its circle connecting all that is spiritual and embodied, thus bringing together the yin and yang, the masculine & feminine in order to create wholeness between each other.

The dance of life will continue held by circles of feminine wisdom that has been carried through the ages and delivered to us through mediums of the modern world.

On meditation

Many of us have been meditating and finding new ways to tap into the art of dreaming ourselves awake. Our everyday masculine energy (whether we are men or women) will release its tension through mediums that little was known about before. Now we start to question how we might take this a step further and tap into a deeper connection to our own soul and the soul of our communities and the planet. This means re-examining our lives and our own histories.

The feminine wisdom that has largely been denied will seduce us into her arms and hold us while we explore the mystery that we are. There is no knowing what we may find there, but for sure we will need to fall apart and find ourselves in our own darkness, amidst our own shadows. If we can trust the circle of the feminine ways, we will find the gateway into a deeper understanding of what it means to live in these times.

Emerging with values and ideals now discovered to begin a new dream for society, we will be able to tap into our own resourcefulness and remember how to survive by using our instincts our imagination and our intuition.

These are the gifts that we will receive once we can surrender fully and let go of what has become too familiar.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 5 Comments

Ms’Guided Angel

Posted on August 2, 2012 by Caroline Carey

Last year I began to write a script based on my book, Ms’Guided Angel.I had never written a script for a play before let alone a movie! But a few months ago my partner and I began the process of taking a few short chapters of the script and turned them into a promo for the film. Now the promo is out and just like I felt when my book was published, I’m excited as well as nervous and apprehensive. Its quite a tale to be telling!

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Ravens and Ancestors

Posted on July 31, 2012 by Caroline Carey

 A new story unfolded…….I was in touch with a wound not understood before…..So I began to journey, to do the work I trusted, in order to try and make some sense of this in order to find clarity…

‘I journey into the cave, my familiar territory, down through the well and into the earth, feeling first those stone walls and then the earth, sweet-smelling beneath my feet. The pool lies there in the center. Still and calm, the rocks surround it. There is a familiar figure a woman I call Otter Woman who shares her medicine with me and teaches me about the healing ways. She walks with me to the other side of the cave. She talks a little of my past. Some of the stories I have long dealt with. I know in my heart there is a deeper journey to be taken with this and thanking her she honors my need to dig deeper. Wolf meets me, we are becoming very close Wolf and I.

 I feel Wolf’s fur beneath my fingers just as I have felt the horsehair of my angel. Wolf takes me into the forest alongside a lake. We stop and meet with White Swan who hisses for a while and then stands at my side. Swan speaks of women, I am unsure what I am told, I cannot quite hear yet I struggle to take in the words. I am told to go to the other side of the lake to look backwards and see the story from another perspective. I do as I am told, looking across the lake; I see Wolf and Swan together. ‘What does this mean’ Spirit often sends messages in riddles. In time I will understand this I hope.

I want to leave here I want to go home; I feel I am not really getting anywhere. I feel the frustration of not knowing. And suddenly Raven is there flapping in front of me. Raven tells me this is an old old story and it is going to take some work to unfold it and find its true meaning. I want to run. I am tired but Raven picks me up, claws into my shoulders and lifts me high above the trees to a rock high on a mountain. Putting me on that rock Raven speaks to me. This story is full of karmic energy; it is as old as these rocks. You and Ben are together for a bigger reason than you could possibly imagine. It was no accident you came together. There are important things for you to do in the world together, but before that can happen the ‘karmic death’ must be remembered fully and you can move on, until that time the sword will plunge ever deeper. Raven told me to wake up, do my work, be here, and clear what needs to clear for myself and for others. The time is now it has to be done.’

 Coming back to my drum, awakening from my trance I have feelings of excitement as well as some fear. I felt that I had known there was deeper meaning to the challenge I was undergoing. I knew the feeling of finally being heard and being given some advice; I knew it was not just my history, that there was more to this. I needed to find some help. Raven said I could not do this alone and I believed it. Would I find the help I needed? Always look within, I know that teaching but I did feel in this moment that some outside influence could help to heal this perpetual plunging sword.

I needed to dance it out of my system once I knew what it was. I knew my heart would not fail me. As soon as I heard the truth I would be able to free myself from it.

What was the closeness I felt towards my father? We were so able to be together especially when no one else was around. I found these moments to be incredibly valuable to me and taught me during my lifetime the importance of just being with another without the need for that incessant chatter.

My father was born a twin. A little girl who died when very young. I never saw any photos of her or knew anything about her really. But I would have liked to know something. Now I was with a man who was also born a twin.

Ben reminded me so much of my father at times, his smell, his ways of moving and touching. His ability to just be with me and hold my hand, even some of his expressions. And I felt a closeness to him that was stronger than anything else I had experienced. I wanted my father to myself and this pattern was starting to be experienced within this relationship. Was this the Karmic experience I needed to be in touch with that Raven spoke about?

I was the first girl child born to the family that survived after my Grandparents lost their daughter, as well as the brother of my Grandfather who also lost their baby girl.

I can imagine that my birth was quite a big deal to my family and elders. The first little girl who survived. I was given a lot of attention and love. My attachment to my father, if one believed in past life stories, could have been interpreted with great interest. Did I have a connection to my fathers twin sister? Was I experiencing her loss of her brother when ever they parted? Was it true that there was some karmic story unfolding from our ancestry. Maybe my Grandfathers ‘ownership’ of me was some how marked by his own loss. I remember him telling my father off quite severely one day for allowing me to ride a donkey having fallen off at a young age. My father stepping back and allowing Grandpa to pick me up and deal with my wounds and upset in his own way, which involved things that were totally inappropriate out of the view of others. My father was unable to protect me out of his own insecurities around his father.

Once I began to discover the possibilities of this story and the reality that something could actually be working its way through my ancestry I noticed a huge shift in my own energy field around my relationship. Trusting more, feeling less pain and being able to be less dependent on our closeness. Still it would take time and I knew more work needed to be done to lift this. But the most important thing I learned was how effective these stories can be in our lives and the importance of looking into our ancestry for clues as to our own behavior.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment